I dislike being disliked. In past months, I found myself caught up in a difficult professional situation. In circumstances where I knew it was impossible to please all parties, I quickly came to realise how much value I placed on external validation.

We live in a society where keyboard warriors can be brutal, and individuals like to exercise their right to free speech regardless of the impact on others. At a basic human level, there is a warm feeling that comes from hearing or reading positive things about ourselves. Being liked is lovely. Therefore, it is not surprising that many of us have a tendency to be sensitive to what other people think.

In the situation I mention, whilst grappling with written and verbal aggression, striving to avoid emotionally driven responses and seeking advice where required, my dismay at being talked about and misrepresented to others increased. There were difficult days at the desk, when I could not see a way forward, or when I was so busy asking “why me?” that I was not even listening for the answer. On days when I thought things could not get worse, they mostly did.

At home, I was distracted and disengaged. Family meal times were functional, and I could not really take in what was being discussed. In the early hours, I would lie awake going over past conversations, finally coming up with that ‘perfect response’ which had evaded me at the time. When I went running I no longer listened to Desert Island Discs (which I think has the perfect mix of interesting chat & varied music to distract from the physical effort required!), instead talking myself through the preparation for the next difficult meeting, or weighing up the reasonableness of an impending decision.

Colleagues offered guidance and calm reassurance; friends shared wise words, and my family patiently kept me grounded. Over time, the worry brought me to my knees, physically and spiritually. I read the Bible, desperate for reassurance that I was not on my own, my journaling became more frequent, and conversations with God took place at every opportunity.

Gradually the discipline of prayer, reading the Bible, and listening to God began to tip the balance in my mind.  You might be encouraged by this well-known passage, as I was:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6

The practical outworking of these verses involve placing God at the centre of our lives, which takes the spotlight off ourselves.  Consequently, the desire for external validation fades. Looking back, with the benefit of journaling, I can see the ways in which God equipped me to trust Him. With small encouragements, or answers to unprayed-prayers along the way, He repeatedly demonstrated His faithfulness.

A helpful devotional study on 1 Peter drew out the point that we ultimately have an audience of one. God is witness to our every thought, sees our actions and omissions, and hears all we say (and imply). Reading Peter’s words required a response. “Don’t snap back at those who say unkind things about you.  Instead, pray for God’s help for them…” 1 Peter 3:9.

It is hard work to pray for those with whom we are not reconciled. But implementing a practice of doing so made me realise we stand before God as individuals. The influence others wield is earthly and it will fall away. We will each have to answer to Him only for our decisions, actions, words, thoughts.

I am not naïve enough to assume that I have now shed the desire for external validation, or successfully ticked a faith-competency off a list. Like all spiritual disciplines, prioritising God’s way and being faithful in prayer requires daily choices, and I do not always make the correct ones. However, we can ask the Holy Spirit for the strength that living out our faith requires, and be encouraged by knowing that what we might achieve on our own is nothing in comparison to what is possible in God’s plan.

God showed me that my framework for understanding purpose and value in the world was way off kilter; it was person-centred, not God-centred. Seeking to satisfy others is an impossible mission, and not characteristic of the Christian way of life. God has chosen us, and there is a purpose for our time on earth. It is our active daily response to that call that matters – not the opinion of others.

Sarah Sellars is a solicitor in the NHS in England.  She and her family live in rural Co. Antrim and are members of Lisburn Cathedral.

Please note that the statements and views expressed in this article of those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of Contemporary Christianity.